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Location: Minnesota, United States

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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Why won't he just stick to building houses?

Jimmy Carter sucked at being president. But then he found out about building houses, and that was ok, he was kinda good at that, I guess. But of course he just can't say away from the muck and slime, so he decided to invite the U.N. over for supper, apparently oil and food were important topics of discussion that evening. In case that was vague, Carters in with that U.N. Oil-For-Food Scandal also. He also seems to be quite close to Billy Clinton and has been taking lessons. Here is a transcript from an interview of Jimmy Carter by John Johnson of Proudly NeoCon.

*Johnson and Carter sitting in Johnson's office in Green Bay, Wisconsin*

Johnson: Mr. Carter, recently there have been reports that you have been connected to the U.N. Oil-For-Food Scandal. Is there anything that you have to say about that, are those accusations correct?

Carter: *looks out the window at a office being built across the street* Do you see that building out there?

Johnson: Yes, its going to be our new office, I hear I am supposed to be getting my own coffee pot and a secretary. What does that building have to do with my question?

Carter: *watches out the window, fascinated* What question? You didn't ask me a question, I was just thinking about building homes for people who don't have one of their own. You know I do good stuff like that for people, right?

Johnson: Yes Mr. Carter, we are all aware of your work with Habitat for Humanity. But what about the U.N. Scandal, there are allegations that you are involved. What do you have to say to that?

Carter: *turns back to Johnson with a startled look in his eyes* Nothing, I know nothing, see nothing, hear nothing. I don't even know any of those soldiers who did those things in Africa. Get that down right now, I know nothing.

Johnson: *clears throat* Right, of course, you don't know anything about that. Maybe I should be more clear, you have been accused of being linked to the U.N. Oil-For-Food Scandal. What do you have to say about that?

Carter: *gets up and walks over to the window* You know, that is a really nice looking building, I wish I could build buildings that nice.

Johnson: Mr. Carter, could you please come back here and sit down? We are on a time limit, one you set may I remind you. *Carter returns to his chair* So, please, lets talk about you being linked to the U.N. Oil-For-Food Scandal. What do you have to say about that ?

Carter: *looks carefully at Johnson* Do you have a dictionary?

Johnson: *rolls eyes* No, why? Can't you just answer the question?

Carter: You don't have a dictionary? Well could you please tell me exactly what you mean by "linked"? What is the definition of that?

Johnson: *exhales deeply* Mr. Carter, I thought that people told you to stop hanging out with Bill Clinton. Apparently you didn't listen.

Carter: *glares* Excuse me? Did you say hang around Clinton? Don't you know that people already hate me? If I spent time with that idiot no one would talk to me, besides, my wife would be suspicious what we were doing all the time. She complains about him all the time, she would kill me if I even looked at Bill. Or maybe she would just Kill Bill.

Johnson: *looks at Carter, smiles* Right, of course, I am so sorry. Well, our time appears to be up so I will just close and say thank you Jimmy Carter for being with me today and giving this, um, insightful view into your life.

Carter: You are very welcome, now, off to building houses! *there is a loud bang with an evil laugh and Carter disappears in a cloud of smoke and fire*

*Fire from Carter's exit spreads to the table and furniture in the room. Johnson leaps of off his chair and grabs for the fire extinguisher, proceeds to "spray and pray" and the fire goes out*

Johnson: Well folks, what an interesting interview, avoidance tactics and a fire, impressive. I hope you enjoyed this interview and stay tuned next time for something just as fun. For Proudly NeoCon this is John Johnson, signing off.