Location: Minnesota, United States

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Monday, January 17, 2005

Newsbreak: Catholic Archbishop Stolen From Iraq

First, an introduction. I have a new category, Newsbreak, I am now going to randomly write a satirical news article on some event or another, enjoy it. My reporter, John Johnson, works for Proudly NeoCon which is based in Green Bay Wisconsin, a rather small paper with obvious political leanings.

(Proudly NeoCon) - Baghdad, Iraq
By John Johnson
Thousands of Catholics were protesting in Rome today over the abduction of the Archbishop Basile Georges Casmoussa from Mosul in Iraq on Monday. No less than 12 different Muslim extremist groups have laid claim to have taken the archbishop. All of the claims have apparently been sent first class mail to the American Embassy in Baghdad, to which the Americans sent back letters asking if they could meet with the extremist leaders to determine who really has Casmoussa. Apparently the extremists are considering this as they seem to have lost track of Archbishop Casmoussa. I tried to catch a Marines to ask him what he though of this apparent meeting.
"What meeting?" the Marine asked, busy cleaning his M4. "I was told we were getting time in the shooting range."
I quickly moved on from that conversation, let me tell you, don't argue with Marines. I also got to talk to Catholics living here in Baghdad to see their reaction to this abduction. You might think I am going to state the obvious, but you would be surprised.
"An archbishop was abducted?" Said one man who didn't want to be named. "Which one? I didn't even notice."
Ok, so that was one Catholic, give me a break. I also talked to a WELS Kingdom Worker who is helping teach English here in Baghdad.
"Catholic Archbishop? What's that?" She continues to pass out art materials to the kids. "Im Lutheran, wrong branch of Christianity buddy, but I like your tie."
Apparently, some people don't know that Muslims hate Christians and will attack without regard to their own lives if they see one. Due to not knowing this they are stumped as to why anyone would abduct a Catholic archbishop, seems like common sense to this reporter. You can read farther about this incident at here.